By Eunhice Corpuz 

Memory is both a blessing and a curse; it reminds us of those with whom we shared our hopes and dreams, but eventually, no new memories will be created. At the same time, it brings long periods of grieving that turn into yearning. Thus, at their final resting place, we tend to seek solace and cling to memories, hoping that their death is an illusion and that another lifetime together awaits. 

During the Undas break, students from provinces travel back to their hometowns to spend the holidays with their families and visit their departed loved ones. This gives them the chance to relieve stress and unwind from the hustle and bustle in the metro. 

While visiting the departed eases the pain and longing for them, it is not enough to fill the void left by their death. This leads many to hope for the chance to spend just one more day with them, if only fate permits.

At Far Eastern University (FEU), these sentiments resonate within students who seek another chance to be with their departed cherished people for a little longer. 

To hope for another moment with you

Some goodbyes are temporary, some are not. Leaving has many faces, the cruelest one is being buried six feet underground. What's left of those hearts still beating is the memory of the deceased. 

But if time permits to relive the days when the departed’s presence was still warm; one would cherish the moment to share untold stories and ask unanswered questions.

If this happened, fourth-year Psychology student Elaine Adre expressed in an interview with FEU Advocate that she would definitely spend her Undas break with her deceased grandmother and talk about how she and her brothers have been.

“There would be no particular questions to ask but more a storytelling on how my life, as well as my brothers’ lives, has been since she was gone. How my brothers and I finally got on terms and stop fighting for petty reasons, how her favorite grandchild is now married, and how I’m finally in [my] last year in college,” Adre shared. 

She recalled how her grandma was the one who took great care of her and her brothers since they were little and admitted that she still longs for her presence, especially during tough times. 

When asked how she would spend another 24 hours with her grandmother, she said that they would go to the park and have a picnic. 

“I would love to go to a park where my grandma and I can walk around while talking about life and have a mini picnic where we can sit down and recall have… a deeper conversation,” she described. 

Meanwhile, third-year Medical Technology (MedTech) student Cess Juan shared that she wanted to be reunited with her mother, who passed away last March. 

“I would choose to spend Undas break with my late mother, who passed away in March of this year. A lot of things have happened since then, and I also have so many things to say. Maybe I would begin by asking her, ‘Were you in pain during your [final] moments?’ Because I only ever saw her happy and at peace even as she took her last breath and closed her eyes forever,” Juan said. 

The coming of death is unpredictable and is somehow unfair, especially if it claims our parents, who nurture and love us from the moment we were born. So when they bid farewell, no words could ever console the hearts of the bereaved family as they grappled with the loss of their ‘person.’

This sudden passing of Juan’s mother created a void within their family, as she described her mom as the glue that held them together. 

“I can’t help but ponder about how she would feel seeing that most of our little traditions as a family are slowly fading—our Sunday galas, movie nights, [and] road trips every once in a while—all because we can’t fill the large void she left,” she stated.

Meanwhile, Juan revealed that there were many things she wanted to tell her mother since her death, such as her successfully passing the MedTech qualifying exam and witnessing her younger sister attend prom.

“There are so many things I want to talk to my mother about that I don’t think Undas break would be enough. In spite of this, I would choose to face my mother—if given the chance—happily whether in a smile or in tears,” she expressed. 

Further, the third-year MedTech student said that if she were to spend another day with her mother, she hopes for it to be another normal, slow, and peaceful day at home. Where she finds her again, cooking for them, gossiping about how their day went, watching TV, and going on a walk with her. 

“I would choose to have a seemingly ‘ordinary’ day just so I could experience what our normal lives were like once more. I want to escape my current reality for a life I had taken for granted, basically,” she conveyed. 

All the longing for them is not enough to express how hard it is to accept the fact that their presence is only a memory now. But, if given the chance to relive these moments again, it would be something tangible rather than another illusion to cope within.

To hope that your heart will beat again

Some people think that grieving and yearning are interchangeable, but they are emotions that flow through the same undercurrents of loss. 

But for a heart that has lost someone dear, grieving and yearning are nearly synonymous. They are the defense mechanisms that embrace the shattered living soul, desperately trying to bargain with death for a chance for the deceased to thrive again.

For Juan, grief is a form of loving and yearning as a longing for the past you cannot go back to and a future that will never happen. 

“To me, grief is loving, except that the receiving end is absent, so all the love just overflows. Yearning, meanwhile, is longing for the person you love, the past you can no longer revisit, and the future you will never experience together,” the third-year MedTech student said. 

Aside from Juan, FEU Institute of Arts and Science Sessionistas President and fourth-year Communication student Jowie Jovia also portrayed the nature of yearning and grief through his own experience of these emotions.

“You would grieve that wala na sila sa buhay mo (they are no longer in your life), but at the same time, you’re hopeful that they would be there. You would yearn na sana naririnig ka nila (they can still hear you). So, I think that’s how I differentiate it and how I feel [with] those emotions at the same time,” he remarked.

The feelings of grief and yearning often allude to the death of one person that day, but many echo that it is two hearts that stopped beating. This feeling reflects how these emotions can manifest in the wake of losing a loved one. 

Juan agreed with this sentiment as she asserted that one cannot be the same as they were before. 

“I know this to be true because the version of myself before the loss is no longer the same, and I fear that I can never bring it back no matter what I do. When I lost my mother, I also lost myself in the process,” she described. 

Jovia shared a similar perception about this sentiment, especially since they are a small family of three, impacting both him and his mother after his dad passed.

“I am an only child; wala akong kapatid (I don’t have any siblings) so tatlo lang kami sa (there are just the three of us in the) family. So, it really affects me and my mom, kasi siyempre (because of course), on how they’ve been together for more than 30 years. Siyempre, nakasanayan mo na ‘yung tao na kausap mo at na minahal mo (Of course, you’ve gotten used to that person you talk to and the one you loved),” the fourth-year Communication student stated.

He shared that there would come a point where you would get lost when the person you loved died. But his father knew he would be devastated the most, so his father gently hinted that such a loss would eventually occur, thereby preparing him for the moment death arrived.

Rather than remaining lost in the dark cycle, the fourth-year Communication student decided to focus on the silver lining and make his late father proud. 

Further, this sentiment reminds us that death is indeed inevitable but the deathbed is not a cold place where the dead lie. Somehow, it was a moment of intimate warmth as the living shared the final breath of the deceased, hoping that maybe their heart would beat again.

To hope time will heal thy soul 

Even after their passing, the heart is still on rhythm, filled with memories and emotions we shared with the departed. Grief holds us back from moving forward and accepting that their physical presence is no longer with us and can now reside only in our minds. 

While moving on is an easy concept to advise, it is a gut-wrenching act to execute. It is a pivotal choice by which we learn to accept that the past should no longer haunt us and allow the future to begin.

Adre believes that no person truly moves on from grief. Instead, she asserted that people only learn to adapt and continue living alongside their longing. This adaptation, influenced by our culture, involves diverting emotions and turning them into a productive driving force. 

“In our culture, some people—especially the elderly—often say that ‘hindi magugustuhan ni—kung patuloy kang magiging malungkot.’ In this sense, they are sublimating their emotions or impulses—essentially redirecting them into [something] more socially acceptable. So yes, I believe that people just integrate the loss in their life for them to be productive,” the fourth-year Psychology student explained. 

For Jovia, the depth of grieving depends entirely on the individual’s closeness or attachment to the lost loved one. 

“Personally, I think there’s not much moving on. Sometimes, it would depend on how attached or close you were with the person. Kasi hindi rin naman natin masisisi ‘yung ibang tao kung hindi [sila] ganun ka-affected sa passing of [their] loved one,” he said. 

Additionally, Jovia clarified that a lack of social media posts or visible remembrance does not mean a person has moved on. Instead, he copes with the concept of moving on by integrating the loss into his life rather than trying to leave it behind. 

“It would be those quiet moments na you remember these people, you cry for them, and you reminisce [about] those moments with them. I think it’s not moving on, but you’re integrating the loss of a loved one in your life,” he added. 

Moving on is indeed an art of letting go, yet sometimes, the pain is overwhelming that the only escape to ease it is to set it aside and force oneself to get used to it. For Juan, this struggle continued as she tried to adjust and adapt, but there would be the silent moments when she hoped she could return to the times when she woke up and saw her mother alive and well. 

“I’ve gotten used to her absence from our lives but there will still be times where I daydream about waking up and finding my mother in the living room, wishing that all that has happened is nothing but a bad dream,” she hoped. 

Moreover, she deeply regretted that she never had the chance to say how much her mother means to her. Since the night her mother died, they have had a heated conversation. 

“Our last conversation was an argument over something so small. That same night, she had a heart attack and passed away. Ever since, that conversation has been the biggest regret of my life,” Juan revealed. 

So, should fate permit her to see her mother once again standing in front of her, she would ask for forgiveness. She would utter the words of how much she loves her mother more than she used to show her. 

Growing up, we feared death because it was deemed the final destination. However, the scary thing is not death itself, but the realization that no new memories can ever be made once death takes the final breath of our loved ones. 

Those shared memories haunt us, causing us to yearn for them like the air we breathe. The grief that is constantly imprisoned, full of what-ifs, and the surge of regrets due to unresolved feelings bring misery to our quiet days. 

Yet, the souls of the deceased and living will remain bound through these memories. Even if they are six feet underground, their warmth will surely remain to hug our longing hearts. 

In the silence of All Souls’ Day, may we remember our departed loved ones as a symbol of a gentle love and a reminder of kind people who molded us into who we are today. May their souls rest in peace as they embark on a new lifetime, and may we find solace from our agonies in what they left us. For as long as we tend their tombstones with lit candles and the sweet scent of flowers, we are making them present—not as ghosts, but as living symbols of a love that no death could ever seize.

(Element by /FEU Advocate)