Content Warning: This piece contains themes of suicide.
For a very long time, I have wanted to die. There were years in my life where I could not understand the point of living because I carried it like a burden. Because of that, I lived passively, like a mere warm body wafting through the crowds to get through the day. I never looked into my future because I did not even think I would have one. The allure of dying felt monumental, and yet, that too was the allure of hope.
In therapy sessions, I used to scoff at the concept of hope being used to counter the dark thoughts of suicide. Isn’t it precisely because you’re hopeless that you wish to die? To me, it sounded futile and disingenuous. It felt like a lousy way to tell yourself that the pain you’re going through is self-imposed, and if you only tried to view the world in a better way, you would not be so in despair.
In retrospect, however, it is sheer hope that has gotten me to where I am today.
On the days I find myself unable to get out of bed, what made me rise was my mother calling me out for dinner.
On the days where nothing felt right, it was the unfinished book on my desk that pulled me out of my spiraling thoughts.
On the days where the weight of loneliness was pressing on my chest, it was the laugh of a friend that reminded me I was loved and valued.
What I have learned is that hope is materialized through things that make you bear the world. Hope does not ask you to ignore pain — instead, it asks you to understand that if life truly were a cycle of despair, then it must mean that it is also a cycle of hope.
If I had felt loss, then it must mean that I had loved enough to feel that kind of grief. If I have known sadness, then I must have first known joy. If I had suffered from hardships, then I must have enjoyed contentment as well. Hope has taught me that if I want to keep knowing love and joy, I must acquaint myself with the pain that comes along with it.
Hope is, by design, stubborn. It doesn’t take away the despair so much as it equips you with the willpower to see through it. It asks that you be relentless in believing that you will be loved, valued, and content, in spite of everything.
- Micah Seiri
(Illustration by Russell Ognes/FEU Advocate)