Valentine’s Day is just around the corner. You’ve been swiping, liking—perhaps even stumbling into something that feels like falling. A Tamaraw, of all people. But commitment? That was never part of the plan. So if ever you are looking for a way out, you came to the right place!

After extensive research (and by that, I mean surviving three failed talking stages and two near-breakups), I’ve cracked the code.

Here is a list of what to do to turn a Tamaraw off in exactly five ways:

1. Argue with them on whether it is R. Papa or Lerma Street. Watch as they scoff and roll their eyes, but no matter how many times they try to correct you, just nod and open your Google Maps and say, “Nope, definitely R. Papa.”

2. Schedule a date during the day of the Cheerdance Competition. Whether it’s a fancy dinner or a movie night, insist on the date. Then, act surprised when they show up in full green-and-gold attire, nervously checking their phones for live scores.

3. Dismiss and hate on their Org Life. Organizations are the Tamaraw’s heartbeat, so make sure to let them know that you see it as a hindrance to your relationship. The next thing you know, your apathy is already a glaring red flag.

(Bonus points if they are in the school publication—criticize their articles and enjoy your swift cancellation.)

4. If they’re still hanging around at this point, it’s time for the ultimate betrayal. Tell them you like their neighbor schools better then sit back and enjoy a passionate 10-minute TED Talk you will ever witness on why FEU is far more stylish and classy.

5. Call a Tamaraw a ‘Carabao,’ and expect a full-blown lecture with facts, history, and maybe even a PowerPoint presentation on why the Tamaraw is more than just an endangered species. It’s not just about an animal; it’s their identity, pride, and what it means to be an FEU student.

Now, here comes the plot twist.

You didn’t even need those five other steps—By the time you were mapping out your so-called exit strategy, the Tamaraw had already left you in the dust. No need for betrayal. No need for insults.

They’ve already checked out—before you even had a chance to finish your list.

- Sean Clifford M. Malinao
(Illustration by Alexandra Lim/FEU Advocate)